COFFEE COMPANY SEEKS COFFEE FANATIC

Applicant must not only consume coffee but be consumed by it. Not a coffee enthusiast; a coffee purist. If you haven’t worked in the coffee industry, don’t apply; I won’t hire you. If you think you know everything there is to know about coffee, don’t apply; you’re a fool. If you’re ate up by varieties and fermentation, skeptical about temperature stability and pressure profiling, curious about whether seed germination has an effect on cup characteristics, give us a shout.

Here’s the deal. Everyone wants to work in coffee nowadays because they love hanging out in coffee shops and they love community and the chill vibe. We already have those people. We’re looking for someone who’s on fire for coffee like you’re on fire for Christ when you leave church camp. An apostle. Someone who spends their spare time reading about coffee and doubting if what they read is true. Someone who would revel in the idea they could brew with four-hundred degree coffee beans and cold water. Someone who shares our fascination with brewing coffee in microgravity.

Why am I looking for you? Because the company is too big for the founder to do it all, and when the original coffee purist isn’t patrolling the depths of extraction, the grind size seems to creep, tamps get light, people forget how to tare, and worry more about rosettas than ristrettos.

Job description? I already told you. Title? How about this: Chief Coffee Perfectionist. Duties: Education. Training. Holding people accountable. Pushing the limits. Making excellent coffee even better. Listen, we source some of the finest and most interesting coffees in the world and they’re roasted more appropriately than 99% of the coffees in the specialty coffee industry… by someone who actually knows how to roast coffee, not by some damned AI-fed algorithm. We work with conscientious farmers who work really hard and know their stuff, and we hold them accountable to deliver year after year. These coffees make it all the way from seed to tree to harvest to processing and all the other one million things that could go wrong along the way, all the way into the hopper of the barista’s grinder. That last bit of execution is all that’s left to make the finest cup of coffee ever consumed in the history of coffee. You want me to make it?